Mark ‘Crouchy’ Bown
Vital statistic: 9ft 11″ tall.
Profile: Last years Manager’s Player of the Year, Mark is versatile player, able to play in many positions, including the hedge near Clyst St Mary. Thanks to his long levers Crouchy can kick a ball really well, which makes up for the fact that he can only run with one side of his body, which was injured in car crash (near Clyst St Mary). A genuine clubman – if you could find a knife long enough to cut him in half he would bleed blue and yellow.
Did you know? Crouchy acquired his nickname when he was found crouched outside Tesco begging for money to pay for his tattoo addiction.
Vital statistic: 17 stones 6lb
Profile: Drew, a former UFC fighter, is a cat-like goalkeeper. He is often seen smoking a cigarette before launching himself across the turf to make an amazing save. Drew smokes to take away the pain of supporting Liverpool. He hasn’t missed a match since they last won the league, which was 26 years ago……
Did you know? Those nicotine-stained fingers make a very decent burger down the Salterton Arms.
Vital statistic: 16 stone and increasing.
Profile: Pinning down his best position is as hard as guessing his sexuality. The adaptable Jones can play anywhere, with anyone (except his brother). A good all-rounder and club stalwart, he picked up the Player of the Year award two seasons ago. Last season he had a break whilst hassling pre-menopausal women in Africa.
Did you know? Despite having poo on his bottom, there are rumours that Adam has got engaged to his new lady-friend.
Matthew Jones (Manager)
Vital statistic: He is not older than Adam, despite his lack of hair and larger weight.
Profile: Player-manager extraordinaire, Matthew has acquired a position of control to make sure he is selected each week. He sometimes even picks himself up front, after realising he had a good eye for goal – own goals that is. Playing as a striker keeps him as far away from our own goal as possible, and brother Adam.
Did you know? Matthew is an asexual being, wearing an oversized phallic appendage to impress the younger players of the team.
Steve Hitchcock (Assistant Manager)
Vital statistic: Can change a carburetor in 3 mins.
Profile: Reliably unpredictable blocker Morgan has risen through the ranks thanks to the famous East Budleigh academy system. On his day he can stop nearly any forward, and on all other days he makes a great linesman. Club funny man, he is looking to fill the (large) void left by Viv Edgecombe.
Did you know? Jack only drinks cider to help block out the pain of supporting the Pompey.
Vital statistic: His intestines are up-side-down.
Profile: Ross’s sublime left-foot has added some much needed composure to the East Budleigh defence. This is completely down to the sniper training he received in the marines. Ross can kill a man from 700 metres.
Did you know? Only has a left foot, despite having ‘right’ in his name.
Vital statistic: Has his first girlfriend.
Profile: Jack England is another product of the East Budleigh Academy system. The angriest of all the youth players, Jack has spent too long listening to Viv Edgecombe. One day Jack hopes to open a hair salon called ‘Curl up and Dye’.
Did you know? Jack England is actually Welsh.
Vital statistic: Last attended training – 2003
Profile: Shawn is a giant stopper at the heart of the defence. His speed and skill have often been appluaded by the opposition forwards. Shawn, who prefers to play with a live bee in his socks, is something of a character in the team. He once named his child after the manager! What a card!
Did you know? Shawn knows all the naughty things Matthew and Adam did when they were little, and will reveal these for the price of a Happy Meal.
Vital statistic: Eyes – 2.
Profile: For some unknown reason Lewis has been given the nickname ‘Fletch’, much to the disgruntlement of his mum. Fletch has impressed the management with his commitment to the club since signing last year, although the rumours of his relationship to skipper Reynolds is still under investigation by club Chairman Les Auton.
Did you know? Fletch was signed from Culm Utd for 6 Mars Bars (all eaten by Matthew Jones).
Vital statistic: Has bad cholesterol.
Profile: Unpredictable Rory is a live-wire defender by day, and a debonaire playboy by night. His lavish evening shenanigans often leave him too exhausted to play, but when he is in form, beware his slide-in tackle. Even in training.
Did you know? He is called Rory and not Roy.
Vital statistic: Age recorded in decades. Currently in 140th year.
Profile: Bionic Dez Dawes is a institution in East Devon. A survivor of testicular cancer (the best cancer to get – in his words) you can feel his titanic titanium ballbag for the price of a pint of Old Rosie. Returning to the club for his fifth spell at Vicarage Road, the management are delighted to have someone of his experience in the dressing room.
Did you know? Darren is the fastest player in the team*, despite his age.
*When using his mobility scooter.
Vital statistic: Regan Meadowcroft is the 7th descendant in a long line of Hampshire dairy farmers, all named Regan Meadowcroft.
Profile: Club pretty-boy Regan was allegedly signed by manager Jones from local club Escot FC. However, on closer inspection he was revealed to have been a signing from the local male Escort agency, for which Jones is now under investigation. A good all-round player, Regan is also the president of the Dan Reynold’s fan club.
Did you know? Regan eats cheese slices for breakfast, soft cheese for lunch, and knob cheese for dinner.
Daniel Reynolds (Captain)
Vital statistic: 15 years old.
Profile: Our captain fantastic, he is a renowned budgie breeder and Woodbury racist. Reynolds leads by example – covering every blade of grass on the pitch and is a shoe-in for Player’s Player of the year thanks to his wandering hands in the shower. Trained to casino-level chase-the-ace standard by his Gran, Reynolds has recently started a new job as a pubic hair model.
Did you know? We met Reynolds’s girlfriend last year and she is real!
Vital statistic: Starts puberty next year.
Profile: The talented Mr Mabin has been a welcomed new addition to the team. On the park he is skilful and lairy, using his magical left foot to good effect. Off the park he is cheeky to his elders, yet able to appease them with renditions of Phantom of the Opera. Liam is the founder member of the junior branch of the Dan Reynolds fan club.
Did you know? Liam is a German refugee.
Vital statistics: 3ft 5″ tall.
Profile: Wilks impressed the East Budleigh faithful last season with his direct approach and skillful dribbles. However, due to his small legs, he has to expend more energy running than his team mates, so he rarely lasts more than 60 minutes. Desperate to play upfront, Wilkes purchased an old pair of Christiano Ronaldo boots to inspire his shooting.And before you ask – of course they are too big for Ben’s tiny feet to fit into: Wilkes has purchased these shoes to live in.
Did you know? Wilkes is a skilled power-drinker, able to quickly get drunk, go home for a nap, and then return to rock the clubs.
Vital statistic: Beard consistency 56%.
Profile: Not much is known about this rangy midfield, thanks to an injunction placed by Ryan’s mum not to upset him too much. Ryan possesses octopus-like legs which he uses to steal the ball from opposition defenders. Has been heard talking. Once.
Did you know? Ryan has a GCSE in ornithology and one day hopes to be invited back to a Matt Jones BBQ.
Vital statistic: Has 9 toes.
Profile: New signing Ben has recently given up another sports career to help out the Blue Jays. Until recently, Wiltshire was a renowned break dancer for Brixham-based ‘Thug-Gang dance cru’. His specialist move, the ‘pop-n-lock’ can be seen when he scores a goal. Which means we will never see it.
Did you know? Ben lost a toe in a dance off with Adam Jones, whilst attempting a power move from a step-ladder.
Vital statistic: Blondest player in the team.
Profile: Super quick Owen is a wing marvel, using his speed and skill to skip past opponents for fun. Owen receives specialist training from Matthew Jones once a week in his rear garden, although the exact contents of this training is an industrial secret.
Did you know? Owen once broke the internet searching for ‘Matt Jones rear end’.
Vital statistic: Just left primary school.
Profile: On George’s school report his teachers have been impressed with his application and how he avoids being distracted by the ‘naughty boys’. Jack Morgan is looking forward to inducting George into Blue Jays life. George hopes to play for the school football team when he is older.
Did you know? George’s favourite TV show is Rugrats.
Vital statistic: Brad will be doing his GCSEs in two years time.
Profile: Not much is known about Brad, so in a deviation from the rest of these profiles, we’ve had to speculate. A quick internet search reveals that Brad was raised by badgers on Dalditch Common. His quick feet were spotted by Frank Howarth, who was foraging for mushrooms at the time. Frank took him under his tutorledge at the renowned ‘Butts Ball Club’ (BBC). Since then Brad has developed into a fine defender, with a penchant to bite attackers who get too close.
Did you know? When Brad hears a brass instrument he will bolt for safety.
Vital statistic: Better than brother Ben.
Profile: Lanky Jack Rowland was signed from a Charles Dickens book where he was playing a young cockney arch-villian. Jack spends his time picking pockets, stealing apples and gawping at rich people. For East Budleigh he has brought speed and skill – a very promising young character.
Did you know? Charles Dickens once thought Jack would play football professionally for Chester City.
Vital statistic: Madison is a real name. Isn’t it?
Profile: Madison is another one of the Matt Jones new signings. Strong on the ball, Madi looks like he could be another fantastic youth player for the Blue Jays. Madison is a vociferous supporter of duck and swan rights, leading last years campaign to allow them to vote in the local council elections.
Did you know? No-one is allowed to mention the hair. It does not look like Side-show Bob or Fellani….
Vital statistic: Eats three square meals a day.
Profile: Joe joins us from Exeter City, where he worked for the bureau of tourism. Joe is a good all-round player, impressing the management with his strength and good chat. In his spare time Joe likes to track airplanes on www.flightradar24.com.
Did you know? Joe is in the Guinness Book of Records for the longest amount of time spent as a newspaper.
Vital statistic: Plays for 6 clubs each season.
Profile: Steve has just returned from a peace-keeping mission to Syria, where he was responsible for resettling 3 million Kurds.
Did you know? Steve owns Devon’s only collection of miniature ponies.
Colin Jeans (2nd team manager)
Vital statistic: 400 mm tall.
Profile: Jeansie is a tenacious midfield battler with a sweet left foot. As a manager he should receive credit for siring the Wyatt brothers and getting Viv Edgecombe to resign – a feat the whole team will forever be indebted to him for. Colin is often found scouting the local 6 a-side teams for boyfriends. Currently living with Ben Wilkes in a football boot/home.
Did you know? Colin’s original surname was Middleton. In 1993 he changed his surname in recognition of his passion for all things denim.
Vital statistic: Owns half of Knowle.
Profile: Hugo, son of the 3rd Baron of Knowle, is the poshest, nicest and best player in the team. Signed by manager Jones in return for his first born child, Hugo will be a handful for all teams this season. A magical left foot, good in the air and useless at chase-the-ace: he has everything the club is looking for.
Did you know? As part of his Knowle fiefdom, all residents have to pay a yearly spoon tax to Hugo’s cutlery-mad baron dad.
Daniel ‘Dogger’ Atkinson
Vital statistic: Second oldest in the team at 46 years.
Profile: Atkinson is another product of the Blue Jays academy system. Unfortunately, it took him 15 years to graduate, making his first team debut in 2012. Self-confessed egoist, Dogger likes nothing more than to frap himself off whilst remembering his finest goals. Selfish in front of goal, Dogger is the best chipper of the ball in the league. Outside of football Dan runs a successful wasp business.
Did you know? Dan acquired his nickname as the founder member of the ‘dogging’ movement. This is rather a long and boring story, which briefly comprises a hattrick, a lay-by near Chagford, a malfunctioning rear light, a hedge trimmer and Matthew Jones.
Vital statistic: 6ft wide.
Profile: Josh is currently dodging work by attending University and dipping his wick. Josh is a skillful lad for someone so big. Genetically blessed, Dad Graham has yet to pass on his goal-scoring skills to his young protege.
Did you know? Josh drives back from Uni each weekend so his mum can do his washing. And so he can see Adam’s bottom.
Vital statistic: Can run with both feet.
Profile: Little is known about Callum (including what he actually looks like) thanks to his super quick speed and reclusive ways. He is a potent goalscorer, who should do well in the first or second team. Callum’s dream is to one day perform a tango with Vernon Kay on ‘Strictly Come Dancing’.
Did you know? Callum is actually an albino, which he very cleverly disguises with body-paint, make-up and contact lenses.
John ‘Flappy’ West
Vital statistic: Earspan = 3 metres
Profile: Flappy is the club secretary and linesman. He loves to help the opposition team out by forgetting to flag in favour of the home team and insulting the performance of the Blue Jay players. In the 1960’s Flappy was a member of the hit music group ‘The Honey Drippers’. His only football experience is from listening to Frank Howarth.
Did you know? Flappy is a useless article.